


Honey & I

by 2Atoms



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Its not really dub-con, Mildly Dubious Consent, but there's a little emotional manipulation so be aware of that?, desperately in-love katya? my kink, different love languages!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 09:09:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16573718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Atoms/pseuds/2Atoms
Summary: Sleeping with your ex is an infallible idea, with no possible repercussions. At least, that’s what Trixie keeps telling herself.





	Honey & I

This wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t healthy for Trixie, and it sure as hell wasn’t helping Katya move on.

Their sex is all about Trixie. Katya spends hours finding new ways to get Trixie hot, to make her writhe and scream, and then she makes sure Trixie can go another round. She’ll let Trixie reciprocate, of course, but the sex is never about Katya.

It’s ironic. Katya had always been the perpetually horny one, in their friendship and then throughout their relationship. She’d sacrifice most aspects of her life for good sex, for a hot woman to fuck. Apparently, she’d even sacrifice her own broken heart.

They’d had sex before they even started dating, on one of Trixie’s horny, post-breakup red-wine-guzzling nights. It was been full of trial and error, but also hot and intimate and it made had Trixie feel like a fucking Goddess. Even back then, Katya never asked her for anything, she just took what Trixie was willing to give with grateful moans and high praise spilling from her lips.

Katya had never asked for anything. She never let Trixie see her weaknesses. She’d do whatever Trixie wanted, take control when Trixie was unsure, neglect her own needs to look after Trixie in every aspect of their lives, sexual and otherwise.

Their relationship hadn’t ended for any good reason. They’d grown apart, had other commitments, Trixie got bored. The seasons were changing, and so were her feelings. On the night she finally ended it, Trixie hadn’t been able to give Katya a straight answer for exactly why they couldn’t keep dating, but Katya had accepted it, eventually. After a half dozen text conversations about it, after Katya leaving various events with their joint friend group, she finally accepted it. Seemingly.

After they’d broken up Trixie had missed her wit, her humor and her laughter, but also having someone to confide in, be honest with. Trixie didn’t trust easily. Even a whole month after their breakup she hadn’t managed to follow through on a Tinder date, could never bring a woman home from a bar, even date the friend-of-a-friend that Shea tried to pair her up with. Eventually, even her own hands had failed her. And the stupid expensive vibrator she’d bought. Trixie couldn’t cope without the warmth of another person, someone to look after her and take charge. It was sad, but it was also the truth.

In her heart of hearts, Trixie knew that Katya was only fucking her because she was clinging onto their relationship. Because she wanted Trixie back at any cost.

Trixie didn’t know how to feel about it.

She never saw it in person, but Trixie would still get reports from their friends that Katya cried her eyes out after she saw Trixie across a room. The older woman would fail to show up for things, inexplicably, only for Kim or Sasha to shrug it off, saying Katya ‘had her reasons’.

Trixie hadn’t expected Katya to cry for her. Especially not a whole month after their barely-year-long fling ended.  She tried not to let it affect her. Trixie didn’t believe in keeping relationships just because the breakup was too painful. It wasn’t a good enough reason to commit her life to someone.

So why couldn’t she just cut ties?

Because every time Katya knocked on Trixie’s apartment door late at night, it was like they were still together. Trixie could relax into the familiarity and love she shared with Katya, without worrying about tomorrow. Katya wouldn’t judge her. She didn’t have to explain herself, her needs. She didn’t have to worry about cleaning the house, about how her bedroom smelled, about shaving or primping. Her ex-girlfriend already knew all the worst sides of Trixie, and she’d accepted her anyway. Loved her and all her flaws. Plus, it was so _so_ easy to text her, easier than any random hook-up or dating around. Having her over was second nature, and Trixie purposely blinded herself to the abstract repercussions. The sex was good, and the next morning was easy. Katya would sleep over, and then leave as soon as Trixie woke her up, declared she had a busy day ahead, and she needed to get ready. It was the perfect solution. Probably.

They’d have sex about three times a week, depending on Trixie’s mood. Katya never declined her offer. She’d drop whatever she was doing to come over, every single time. Trixie had heard of her cancelling on friends, skipping appointments, or pretending to be sick in order to leave work early.  Katya never told her this, of course. It was all second-hand information, passed on through concerned friends. Their friends all thought that the whole exes-with-benefits thing was bad for Trixie and Katya. They told her so at every possible opportunity, but Trixie couldn’t see it. She was fine with their arrangement, enjoying it even. Katya never seemed to have a problem with it, either.

Instead, she’d sacrifice any other aspect of her life to dash to Trixie’s apartment building. She was always desperate to get to Trixie’s on time, and then she’d take her time eating Trixie out or fingering her. It was the same pattern each time. The only changes were introduced by Trixie, whenever she’d demand a new position or speed or toy. Katya just went along with it, obediently, every single time.

They never did anything outside of Trixie’s bedroom. The pair never went to Katya’s house, never got dinner together, never even showered together. Unlike when they were dating, Trixie would close the bathroom door firmly behind her, creating a physical boundary between them. She would turn away when Katya showered or changed, even close doors between them when Katya left them ajar. It was symbolic, a microcosm of their entire relationship. Trixie was always the one setting boundaries.

The only time Trixie ever felt bad about their whole arrangement was when Katya’s friends or family got involved. It was an open secret, their ‘thing’. Sometimes it would keep her awake at night, thinking about what Katya’s therapist must say about her. What Katya’s sister probably thought about Trixie nowadays.

The worst instance of it was when she’d bumped into Katya’s mom at the gym. The same gym she’d gone to with Katya. Her ex had cancelled her membership, so the gossipy receptionist had told her, but apparently Katya’s mom hadn’t. She’d given Trixie a sad smile as they passed in the changing rooms, like she knew what was going on, and Trixie’s stomach boiled hot with shame.

Kayta’s mom was so sweet. She’d supported the couple since the beginning. Since last Thanksgiving where she listened to Trixie sobbingly explain that she didn’t have any family of her own. Ms. Zamo held her close that time Katya got into a fender bender and had to get checked out in the ER. She didn’t deserve to be caught up in this mess Trixie had made, so Trixie just smiled back, walked past with a sweaty face and a soft ‘hi’, then struggled to live with herself for the rest of the week. She cancelled on Katya that evening, and the next, couldn’t bear to get eaten out by the woman whose life she’d ripped apart.

She knew Katya was suffering. Really, deep down. When she actually listened to their friends, when she really thought about the Katya she knew. Trixie knew that kindling their sexual relationship, whilst their romantic one had been extinguished, was hurting Katya. A year ago, Katya had never even been in a long-term relationship. She’d slept around with no concern for her heart. In fact, she’d kept her heart far away from the people she slept with entirely. She’d started properly dating Trixie reluctantly, insisted she wasn’t ‘ _that kind of person’_ , and then fallen in love faster than anyone Trixie had ever known. She’d fallen deep too, with all the intensity that Katya brought to every single aspect of her life. She’d fallen deeper than Trixie by a long shot. It wasn’t not that Trixie didn’t love her, it was just that Trixie took far, far longer than a couple of months to plummet into that kind of intense, all-consuming love.

Trixie had felt guilty about their unbalanced relationship at the time, then even more guilty when she broke up with Katya. And after seeing Katya’s mom again, the guilt was back tenfold. She couldn’t think about anything else for days, trying to drink her feelings away, then trying to convince her friends (but mostly herself) that what she was doing was fine. Mostly though, she spent her time missing Katya.

Despite all her new resolutions and realisations, Trixie had texted Katya a short week later, then waited barely an hour for Katya to get off work and come over. Katya had knelt at her feet like a dog while Trixie stripped off her sweats and boring panties, then eaten her out with a fervour Trixie hadn’t experienced before in her life. She finished Katya off with her tongue, much to Katya’s surprise and delight, then tried to fall asleep as quick as possible once they were laying together, side by side. She didn’t manage to drift off before Katya started a conversation.

“It’s nice to see you again, Trixie.” She’d murmured sweetly, giving the younger woman a misguided sense of _doing good._

Trixie couldn’t manage to find the words to reciprocate. Despite all the sex, she couldn’t lead Katya on like that. So she smiled and rubbed Katya’s bicep comfortingly, pulling the duvet up over them. Katya sighed and fell asleep, leaving Trixie alone. To not feel guilty.

 _This is what Katya wants_ , Trixie had rationalised, _this makes her happy._

 The next morning she woke up alone, but some of Katya’s clothes were still strewn across the bedroom floor.

Katya was sat at the tiny kitchen table, crying.

She startled and turned away when she noticed Trixie in the doorway, trying to muffle her sobs. It brought Trixie right back to their breakup, in this very kitchen, made her remember to how hard it had been to tell Katya it was over when she was crying so violently she struggled to breathe.

Trixie sat opposite her at the table, hands awkwardly folded in front of her. Katya was still failing to catch her breath, face reddened and wet with tears.

“Are you okay?” Trixie asked softly. It was too early to do this much emotional labour, but she’d have to try for Katya’s sake. Katya just glared up at her, without any real viciousness in her look. She kept gasping for air. Her eyes were completely bloodshot, and Trixie could hardly stand to look at her.

“Why do you keep doing this?” she sobbed, hands clenching at each other until the pale skin turned sheet white. Trixie reached out and pried her hands apart, holding one in each of her own. Katya hiccupped, staring down at where their hands were joined.

“Why do _you_ keep doing this?” Trixie countered, trying to sound calm, like the adult in this situation. It just sounded cold-hearted, and Katya cringed.

“I just want to be near you, Trixie.” Her voice sounded broken and croaky, and Trixie could see her bare legs were prickled with gooseflesh. She’d put on her shirt and underwear, but nothing else. She’d put out a couple of coffee mugs on the countertop, but they were still empty. The kitchen was cold, and Trixie (not for the first time) wished they were back in her bed.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Trixie didn’t know what else to say. She dropped Katya’s hands. She wasn’t certain if they were on the same page or not. Or what she could say to fix this. Trixie also wasn’t sure what she wanted. Katya had recovered, somewhat. Her breathing was still a little ragged, but the tears had stopped falling. She folded one flexible leg up on to the chair, hugging it against her torso. There was steam rising from the coffee machine, Katya had obviously turned it on, and Trixie got up to make them drinks.

As soon as she’d turned away, Katya spoke up.

“Did you even miss me?”

Trixie stayed quiet whilst she poured them coffees, piling creamer into her own and sugar into Katya’s. She set the mugs down,

“Yeah. Of course I do.”

 _I still do._ It was strange to say out loud. Especially to Katya, with Katya here, in her home. Trixie tried not to jolt when Katya heaved out another sob, covering her face with one hand to hide it. It was painful for Trixie to watch. She’d caused that. With her ignorance, and then her denial, and finally with her selfishness. Katya wrapped her hands around the scalding coffee mug. She looked miserable, her unwashed hair and face greasy from the night before. The defeat in her hunched-over posture was so uncharacteristic it was making Trixie uneasy.

“Why did you break up with me, Trix?”

Trixie’s heart hurt. This was the last conversation she wanted to have. She’d never given Katya a proper answer. Just danced around the question, saying that she didn’t feel the same way anymore. Leaving things unresolved was fine for her. Trixie didn’t feel like closely examining the reasons behind leaving Katya, not after how lonely she’d felt for the last month. This conversation would only weaken her resolve, fill her with regret. She tried to choose her words carefully, but she still felt scatter-brained and ineloquent.

“I don’t… you were just so intense, Kat. I don’t feel like I _feel_ as much as you, y’know? You always talked about how in love you were, and I could never keep up. I’m sorry.”

Now Trixie felt like _she_ was on the verge of tears, staring down at her coffee. Her eyes must be almost as puffy and red as Katya’s, and she hated how her voice was shaking. Katya watched her fondly, with sad eyebrows drawn together.

“People don’t all love the same way, Trix. That’s okay.”

Katya paused and her chin quivered, just enough that Trixie could see it. Even then, she only noticed because she was staring at Katya’s face so intently. Her voice shook as she continued, and Trixie felt hot shame return to her stomach.

“I accepted that, and I loved you anyway. Isn’t that enough?”

“I… it wouldn’t have been fair on you. You wouldn’t have been happy.”

“Do I look happy now, Trixie?”

Trixie faltered. Katya fixed her with a stern glare, but it was slightly diminished by the fact she was still lightly crying, sniffling periodically. The guilt was almost too much for Trixie to bear, now. She still wasn’t sure what she wanted from this conversation. Evidently their ‘exes with benefits’ relationship was over. The thin thread it was held together with had been severed simply by addressing it. Now there were only two options. And she wasn’t about to choose the one where she lost Katya.

“I’m so sorry.” Trixie told her, ashamed.

Katya nodded, sipping at her coffee.

“What do you want from me, Katya?”

“I think you know. I want… you. But I can’t keep doing _this_. It hurts too much, Trix.”

“I understand.”

“So where do we go from here?”

Trixie’s head was hurting, from the crying and from overthinking every single thing that was happening. Would Katya take her back? She’d fucked her around enough, she wasn’t even sure if she deserved to date Katya again. She didn’t know if she could do it again, explaining everything to their friends, seeing the disapproval from Katya’s family across the Christmas dinner table. Trixie had backed herself into a corner, and she’d only just noticed.

Katya just shrugged.

“You broke up with me, Trix. What do you want me to say?”

Trixie didn’t know. She opened her mouth then closed it, frustrated by her own arrogance. She’d made a huge mistake, and she couldn’t even own up to it. Couldn’t even give string together a proper question. Fortunately, Katya could practically read her mind.

“I still love you, and I want you back. Is that what you wanted? You knew that already. Do you want me back or not?”

Without a second thought, Trixie had the smaller woman wrapped up in her arms. She nodded furiously into Katya’s shoulder, mumbling apology after apology. Katya was trembling and crying again, just a bit.

*

They talked until the sun was high overhead, even whilst Trixie made them breakfast. They went over every single thing left unsaid between them, everything they’d been desperate to share when they weren’t talking. It was refreshing and upsetting all at the same time, and every single time their breakup was mentioned Trixie felt a fresh pang of guilt. Katya tried to console her, to talk through all the ways they’d do things differently this time. It helped, even if Trixie felt she didn’t deserve Katya’s sympathy.

Once they’d eaten Trixie settled herself on to Katya’s lap, laughing as the older woman groaned at her weight. Katya’s forgiveness was so overwhelming, it made Trixie apologise again. Katya just shook her head, tilting her head up so Trixie could see her face.

“I’m sorry too, that now you’ve gotta ditch the rest of your fuck buddies.” Katya teased, playing with a lock of Trixie’s hair that had found its way onto her face. Trixie considered her seriously.

“Katya… I haven’t been sleeping with anyone else.”

Katya smiled softly, tucking Trixie’s hair behind her ears. There was such profound kindness in her eyes, accompanied by a little remorse. It made Trixie’s heart lurch.

“I know, honey.”

**Author's Note:**

> I said recently that I didn’t like writing angst yet here we are. I have so many other fics I wanna finish! So this is definitely a oneshot :)
> 
> Love languages are so fascinating! They're touched on here, but I'll try and explore them more explicitly in another fic. If you're not familiar with the theory, go read up! It helps me understand other people way easier.
> 
> This is short, but I hope it was an enjoyable read!


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